Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
