I think my fart just growled at me.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
