SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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