I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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