I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
should my penis look like a turkey
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
