my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
