I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
