What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Randomize
