My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
