I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
