I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
