The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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