I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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