my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Dick very happy bro
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
