the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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