at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
