just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
