It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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