it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
