Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
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