twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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