"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
