My nipple is on Facebook.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
