I can't watch pbs sober anymore
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
That accounts for only three of the penises
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
