I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
