you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
