My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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