It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
