shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
