why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Randomize
