She is in my trunk
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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