He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
