she woke up with a sticky ear
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
