The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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