can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
