$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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