If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
