Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
There's even glitter on my cock...
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