you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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