bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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