at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
