what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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