I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
