I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
