my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
