I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Randomize
