Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
either way he was missing a nipple.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
