i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
organizing the empties. That sober.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
