did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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