Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
